Category: Dad Stories

Mortgaged Grinch – A Poem

All the bankers & granters loved sending bills out a whole lot
But the Hugo of Hugoville most certainly did not!
He hated all the envelopes specially at near Christmas Season!
Be sure to not ask why cause y’all know the reason.
Every turn at his ledger a reminder of how the budget was tight
so every turn to the mail box often kept him up all night.
The bills they kept coming from far, from the front and the side
They came from the company that used to be Countrywide.
The bill for Insurance
The bill from the Mechanic
The bill from the Doctor
who’d warn us not to panic.
The bill for the REALTOR dues
The bill from the house lights
The bill from the Optometrist
for the kid with questionable eye sights.
The bill for the house Taxes
The bill for iTunes
The bill from FarmFreshtoYou
they delivered us prunes.
The bill for the dogs
well actually their vet
The bill for the Violin rental
the boy hasn’t touched yet.
Bill from all places
they sent them in kind.
Even Victoria’s Secret
Though that I don’t mind.
So the kids may forgo some holiday squeals
cause we may have to forgo gifting them fancy wheels.
No floofloovers, no tartookas.
No whohoopers. No gardookas.
No trumtookas. No slooslunkas.
No blumbloopas. No whowonkas.
But don’t you despair, don’t sad-smiley face, don’t plead
The Hugo of Hugoville is quite smart indeed.
He may not like bill notes this time of year
but reserves are a plenty so we’re in the clear.
This holiday is much grand it always out-stands me
Next Torres Christmas may be brought to you by GoFundMe
.
So welcome Christmas may it bring you much cheer,

Merriment to you all the far and the near.

Make a Wish

As I half-patiently waited at my front door for my youngest to gather up her school stuffs my oldest started to make his way up the street.  
He seemed so resolute as he walked past the threshold of our property and towards the foggy foothills to the north. My first instinct as always was to tell him to wait but his stride told me that he was okay to go and so I watched him. My youngest took longer then usual but finally she darted out and as started to catch up to my boy up ahead I saw him kneel at a neightbour’s yard and pick up a dandelion or two. He was making wishes. 
Hopes that I didn’t feel i needed to inquire about or perhaps I was making my own wish and that’s that he would stay young like this just a little more longer.

Cock of the Walk

Woke up late again today because I could. 
After a generous helping of sausage and coffee I decided to step outside and enjoy the morning while the kids & their friends finished the rest of the Scooby Doo movie. My girls rushed at the first sound of my footsteps and in an instant I had them surrounding me and my warm mug. I greeted each one with love and they chirped right back at me. I felt rather cocky as they seem to make a fuss about me. 
That was until until the Road Island Red hen started pecking at my back while I sat and that reminded me that they needed more treats, their coops needs some repair before the rain and it wouldn’t be a bad idea if I went shopping for more feed. 
Somehow now I have more chores to do and I’m afraid to walk into my home. I may find more to-do assignments therein.

Freaky Fractions

Fractions caused friction on our daily walk back from school. 
For some reason, I could NOT wrap my mind around how my youngest figured what went on the denominators place from the number of pie wedges on her little homework sheet. I lost her of course when I intimated that her teacher might be wrong. She curtly pointed out that her instructor went to college and taught for a living. I then called the kids’ mother-dearest for some parental back-up but the backstabber didn’t see it my way and sided with the children. 
Freakin’ fractions fried my brain and now I feel like the dumb kid in class again.

Dead Stop

My dad and I got on the 60 Freeway going east at about 5:00 pm one day. I was 16 and it was a driving lesson. Back then our family had an old Ford Econoline van and I was in charge of all it’s 5,000 pounds.
Traffic was light as I got on the road and I was having fun feeling the van taking speed as I pressed on the accelerator. I kept on looking down at the Speedometer, proudly conscious the effect of my pressing foot and how it then moved the needle. I was so mesmerized that I didn’t really see the red lights in front of me and the traffic that had begun to stall. Right under the 710 freeway my father yelled at me to stop and by luck I found THE brake. The van’s wheels screeched and I felt my dad’s hands at my chest.

When we were stopped he looked at me for a while and then we had to move on. I didn’t drive again for a while and I can’t say I blame him.

Musing at the Amusement Park

My mama would wake us up way early and while my Squid sisters and I got dressed she finished packing the egg-tortas and stuff into the cooler. My pop made sure he had a couple of VHS tapes ready and the camera was fully charged. We drove a while and parked at either at the Donald lot or Chip & Dale. I think Cars land now lies atop our old spot. The day was long and worth it. We do it different now. I can’t imagine my dad ever hunting for a specific nerd shirt to wear. 
Fingerprints now get you in the park. King Kong is digital and most kids don’t know who Boris Karloff is. Then again…lines can still get long, hot is hot in California and most things are way too expensive. 
Oh yeah…and New Yorkers still stand out in a crowd!

Cartoonish Aspirations

When I was a boy I used to need to read the funny-papers. 
I’d laugh at Chuck; puzzle over Doonesbury, though Cathy was cute, Garfield needed to lay off lasagna, or thought Family Circus was far fetched. Most off the characters were my friends and I got to see them on the daily. 
Several times I’d ponder about the talents behind the panels. How could people keep on coming up with quirky ideas and silly observations on a daily basis and get them on the page so often? They would have to be super smart, observant and obviously cool. I wanted to be just like them. Sadly I can’t draw and so my wish never came through but I still read the funnies when I can and still chuckle anytime Marmaduke eats something he knows he shouldn’t have.

You Can Say That Again

So I sit here and I listen intently because my friend is telling the story with such delight. She’s gesturing and pausing for effect. You can sense the excitement as she relishes in the details. Funny thing is she told me the exact story just two days ago as I sat in the same spot. But I’m enjoying the double-feature and wondering…will I in my later years apologize to folks for bugging them with my tall tales twice…have I done so already and haven’t been the wiser?

Give me a Break

My dad and I got on the 60 Freeway going east at about 5:00 pm one day. I was 16 and it was a driving lesson. Back then our family had an old Ford Econoline van and I was in charge of it’s 5,000 pounds. Traffic was light as I got on the road and I was having fun feeling the van taking speed as I pressed on the accelerator. I kept on looking down at the Speedometer, proudly conscious the effect of my pressing foot and how it then moved the needle. I was so mesmerized that I didn’t really see the red lights in front of me and the traffic that had begun to stall. Right under the 710 freeway my father yelled at me to stop and by luck I found the Brake. The van’s wheels screeched and I felt my dad’s hands at my chest. When we were stopped he looked at me for a while and then we had to move on. I didn’t drive again for a while and I can’t say I blame him.